I have wanted to write this blog for Mothersday or as I used to call it Monsterday for years……..but I just didn’t have the guts to sit down and write it. It’s about my Mom. Capital “M”.
Gosh, if you would know how many things she did wrong, how much she hurt me in so many way and how often she blamed me for things I didn’t even do. My Mom was a terrible communicator. She was mean, tough, and boy did she push me to do the things she wanted to have done.
My first marriage happened because of her, she wanted a Navy officer son-in-law and preferrably someone with a title or fabulous degree (sorry Phillip) and so I marched on and got that done for her. Checked it off the list. Would I get some acknowledgement or love then? Great question, can you guess the answer?
I am not a victim here, I just so wanted my Mom to love me, to appreciate me and to tell me that she really loved me. I do not remember receiving this in a way I could actually experience it.
I have come to the realization though, that I chose her as my Mom. What did I want to learn and why did I choose her? I still don’t have the complete answer though I am getting closer to it, but one thing I do know for sure right now: I loved my Mom and I still do. I have come to the awareness that my Mom actually did her best. The best she knew how to do. There was no USM ( University of Santa Monica) nor Insight Transformational Seminars around when she was young or even a grown up woman. Some knowledge and awarenesses that we now have wasn’t available then. So, did she do her best?
It’s sometimes hard to let go of the “hook”, the blame and judging, and just stepping into acceptance, the First Law of Spirit. Yet, I am doing it now, I am choosing it now. I love my Mom, just the way she was and whatever she did. She probably did her best–well, at least I want to believe that and it’s my life so I get to decide what I believe—great concept!
I have talked to many of my friends, who have had similar Moms and experiences. It is hard to grow up and then to decide one day that your Mom did her best and to let go of the old resentment. It’s HUGE! However, if I want to be really free and if I really want to have beautiful memories, the best for me is to choose these words: My Mom did her best, she did the best she knew how…..she really did!
Her life was so tragic. Two world wars, one as a tiny, little girl and one as a young woman. Loosing the three men she so dearly loved to war and tragedy. Loosing all her possessions, her home, her little girls, all killed and gone.
Wow, when I think of that, all I can say, she was one incredible strong woman and Mother. Life maybe made her hard, strong and different than I would have wanted it. However, she did indeed do her best.
So here is to my Mom: Margaret Linnenbecker, born in Koblenz by the Rhein and the best Mom I could have had. And I really mean that!
Love you, Mutti
Form my heart with love,