Out of confusion

One thing I know I can always count on in difficult situation is my own “therapy”. If I get thrown life’s challenges I can always count on three things:

  • My cooking
  • My meditation
  • My writing

And so I am using this blog today to write as I need to work though some issues. Writing and putting things quote on quote onto paper sort to speak helps me.

My youngest child is still living with me, he’s a wonderful being and I love him. His girlfriend is living with us as well and I want to say I love both of them incredibly. They are truly wonderful beings. And yet, I have so much energy on them. I like my house to be really clean. Not so with my son. He tries very hard and yet it doesn’t happen many times. Ok, so I let it go. Life sometimes gets really tough around here. I so do my best to be in calmness, but it’s very often not possible.

I pray, I meditate and I write. Writing helps me. But no matter what I say, beg for or ask for it DOES NOT happen, or it doesn’t happen in the timeframe I would like it for happen. Man oh man! So I meditate, I turn on my chants and tell myself as my oldest son, Nico, always tells me:”This too shall pass”.

So this too shall pass, and what happens in the meantime? In the meantime, I am often a basket case. I am alone without my husband most of the month due to his work. I try really hard and yet I learned from Insight trying is not doing. Ok, so I get that. So then I do! And yet I feel so often because I am a woman and not a man, a mother and not a Dad, I loose out.

It’s so hard and I have such respect for single Moms and Dads. Well, let me be frank, more for single Moms than single Dads.

Anyways I try to talk and probe and be understanding and yet so often it’s like they don’t hear me. I so often feel I have to go through a whole rigamarole of words and explanations. And my kids are such great kids, but sometimes, Gosh I wish I could just live in a retreat. It’s so hard. And hey, I am not a spring chicken anymore. So even more so, I want to have peace, harmony and order in my house.

What do other people do? I do not know? I cook, I shop, I chop, I create dinners and do dishes and I clean. And then I feel still even after all of this the children still do not understand.

Ok, so I am stepping out of victims, I had once someone working for me for 17 years and this person was an eternal victim, so I do not want to be a victim.  It’s all my choice and I get that. And yet, it’s still so challenging. Maybe I am just rambling instead of making sense, but I needed to write and my friends, who write like Lori will understand. I needed to write and I am audacious enough to publish it. Wow, that’s a big step.

I will learn over time to stand up and speak up for myself! And to do so in a way it can be understood, but it’s so tough to be alone for 3 weeks out of a month and I so understand single Moms now!  I really do!

God’s Blessings,

BB

The r

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