I just had another super learning experience with one of my son’s. He graduated from High School this summer and asked to have a “gap-time” before going to College in January next year. Fine, I thought, he worked hard enough to get good grades and he deserves a break.
WRONG! Or better: not a great choice! I see him hanging out, playing video games and most of all helping his girlfriend doing her homework for her college. Honestly my mother-heart is hurting. When asked to tidy up his room, the answer is most of the days: “I gotta go Mom”. There never seems to be “enough” time for anything I am asking him to do. It’s like in a fast forward video: everything has to happen quickly, the pictures are moving with lightening speed and no-one can hear the other because it all is so fast.
Why is he not doing his homework/chores? Why is he choosing not to be in college right now? Why is he running from doing what I am kindly asking him to do? Why are all the other things and people so much more important?
I hear myself say this and then I listen. What am I really saying here? What’s the underlying message I would like to convey? Oh, boy, tears are streaming down my face as I am getting in touch with this question.
I feel like a failure as a Mother. Me, yes me. Author of the upcoming book: “Divine Mama”. Heart-Centered Life Coach. Working with clients on exactly these issues and here I go…….crying and sad.
“Great lesson”, that’s my brain talking. “Ouch”, that’s my heart talking. What have I done “wrong”? What am I not communicating? Or rather what am I communicating?
I feel alone in this endeavour or on this journey because my son’s father often has different opinions. I appreciate that. I can understand that with my academic brain. My heart though, oh boy, my heart is in another place.
OK then, I am using my own recommended processes and tools: First and foremost compassionate self-forgiveness for any and all judgements I placed. I forgive myself for judging myself as a bad mother. I forgive myself for judging myself as a looser, who cannot communicate to her son. I forgive myself for judging myself of not having the tools to talk in a constructive way to my son. For the truth is:
- I am a good Mom
- I am a good listener
- I am a great communicator
- I do have the tools to speak from my heart with words that are true, loving and effective and people get it
Wow–that feels so much better! Ok then, my son is in girlfriend-heaven. Hey, why not, he is a teenager after-all. His girlfriend is sweet, loving and caring. They are both growing and learning.
So in the end: I release my attachments to the outcome. I release any and all expectations I had of my son and also his father, my husband of 30 years. I recognize that a great son cannot follow through at times. I acknowledge that a wonderful father and husband can let issues fall through the crack and not confront the issues with his son. I recognize that a good mother can get upset and waddle in a pity party and then get herself out of it. Take a shower and turn on the music and smile again.
It’s all a learning lesson. It’s life. School is in session. My soul needs and wants to learn and overcome all kinds of life experiences.
I get it. Once again, I get it. Boy am I glad for this blog and for talking with “you”. I feel so much better, much more clear and actually: ALL OK!
Love, Light and Blessings to all Mothers of Teenagers!